WEEKLY SPORTS WRAP-UP – Jan 25th, 2007


One more game.  One more time to watch men strategically running around to hit one another, to earn the right to wear some gaudy ring the size of a lemon for the rest of your life.  And for a free trip to Disneyworld.  It is a shame it has to end.

The Super Bowl matchup has been decided, and it doesn’t seem too surprising.  The Chicago Bears, who dominated the NFC with their defense all year (except that last month of the season, but who was really paying attention?) face the Indianapolis Colts, who seem to have a monkey the size of Montana on their back.  People want you to focus on Peyton Manning’s “epic” journey to the Promised Land, but you know what?  Whatever.  There have been so many incredible players, in all sports, who never won a championship.  It doesn’t take anything away from what they’ve done, but America’s constant yearning for absolute domination dictates our need to win and conquer everything.  That’s why we watch.  This truly is an American experience.

What will sure to be one of the most discussed subplots this upcoming week will be the presence of not one, but two Afro-American head coaches patrolling the sidelines for the first time in NFL history, the two being Lovie Smith with Chicago and Indianapolis’ Tony Dungy.  This is becoming eerily similar to when Denzel Washington and Halle Berry both won the Oscar in the same year.  People seem to like to double their order of history, with a side of self-congratulatory self-righteousness.  Whether it is right or wrong, it does deserve to be recognized, at least for the attention it’s getting.

A bit ironic, since the first ever black head coach, Art Shell, was fired a few weeks ago for the second time, from the same team.  Interesting to note that the Oakland Raiders are trying to fill that voided position with college position coaches.  Position coaches…from college.  Whom of which rebuffed the offer to be a head coach in the biggest sports league in America to stay at those assistant positions in college.  Sometimes I long for the days of glory they enjoyed from before I was born.

Another coach relieved of his duties, albeit self invoked, Bill Parcells, made the announcement to retire from coaching while still on contract with the Dallas Cowboys.  Was it TO?  Was it the fact that he didn’t win a single playoff game in Dallas?  Was it the fact that he doesn’t want to be mocked for the inevitable donning of the adult diapers on the sidelines next year?  Seriously, he needs to let the game go and make time to take a yoga class. 

Lastly, it must be noted that it is only a few more months before baseball season, which will be the beginning of the heart attack epidemic at Dodgers Stadium.  I honestly can’t wait for the All You Can Eat Pavilions the Dodgers will be offering this upcoming season.  Imagine it: fat baseball fans shoving hot dogs and nachos down in 97-degree heat that is the Los Angeles Summer, with the threat of a baseball flying over a hundred miles an hour at their heads.

In related news, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim will be strapping a pipe bomb under 12 seats at every home game to do their part in population control.