Lane Garrison has found a new best friend: irony.  As one of the stars of FOX’s hit new show Prison Break, Garrison was enjoying his new-found fame recently when he slid behind the wheel of a car––packed full of teenagers––and got smashed, literally.  Not only was he drunk (and apparently high on cocaine), but Garrison crashed the car, killing one of the passengers.  The actor has been charged with vehicular manslaughter and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  If found guilty, the thespain may end up spending a bunch of years in prison where, I’m sure, there won’t be another Michael Scofield willing to bust him out.


For reasons one cannot explain (either he’s an asshole or wants people to believe there are women out there stupid enough to still have sex with him), OJ Simpson has thrown his name into the hat as the potential father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.  The two starred in Naked Gun 33 1/3 together back in 1994, and OJ admits that he may have “slow-moving sperm.”  Ha, OJ made a funny––everyone laugh now.  Or not.  OJ later told a videographer, “I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby.  If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money—or the baby herself.”  Wow.  (And why hasn’t Fred Goldman beaten the crap out of this guy yet?)



If there is such a thing as an addiction to adopting, then Angelina Jolie needs help…and fast.  The actress is apparently interested in adopting a Vietnamese child now; one she met during a recent trip to Ho Chi Minh City.  Reports suggest that the adoption is being fast-tracked so that Jolie can receive the four-year-old this May.  Is it just me, or do you think also that Jolie is planning something big?  Either she’s building her own army or putting together a new United Nations––but seriously, we just want to know which kid will play Brad Pitt in the eventual biopic.  And will it be called The Jolie-Pitt Bunch?


Sienna Miller for blaming her foul mouth on an imaginary form of Tourette’s Syndrome she feels she might have.  Miller is known for holding nothing back during interviews, going so far as to say drugs “are fun,” and “accidentally” referring to the city of Pittsburgh as “Shitsburgh.”  However, rather than fess up to being a moron, Miller blames her possible nervous disorder.  She says, “These things just come out.  I think it might be mild Tourette’s; not to insult people who have proper Tourette’s, but I will say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate time to the most inappropriate person.  Always.  Guaranteed.”  Tell us, Sienna, what exactly is “proper Tourette’s”?  No reason needs to be given; the above speaks for itself—Sienna Miller is officially this week’s biggest ass.


Love, sex, marriage, divorce—and that’s just the first week of your average Hollywood romance.  Here’s what’s swirling around the rumor mill this week…

It is a sad week for men everywhere; Salma Hayek has announced that she’s engaged…and pregnant.  I’ll give you a moment to grieve.  Cry.  Moan.  Weep.  Feel better yet?  Too bad—Salma doesn’t care about you and she never will; she’s too busy shacking up with businessman Francois-Henri Pinault.  And, since he is the CEO of PPR (who own Gucci and Yves St. Laurent), there’s a good chance he makes more money than you, too (and that Salma will be staying with him for a long time).  But doesn’t it just kill you that she went from someone as cool as Edward Norton to an old fart named Francois?


And speaking of beautiful women who should forever remain single so that our fantasies never fade, Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar were married twice last week; once in Britain and again in India, after parading around a ritual fire and spending five straight days partying in between.  The celebration is reportedly so insane, press in India are touting it as “The Big Fat Indian Wedding.”  However, we’re not sure if they’re referring to the couple’s bank account or the actual wedding.

Finally, we have a woman who, if she ever does marry, will probably do it at least eight times.  Yes, I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan—the woman, the myth, the legend.  Lohan recently spoke out against reports that claim she’s dating every single man she talks to.  (Because, seriously, why date when you can get sloshed and screw?)  Says Lohan, “If I leave a club or a restaurant at the same time as a guy, it’s immediately thought we’re an item, that I’m either dating him or sleeping with him.  It’s not true and I’m not that kind of person.  I like to really get to know a guy before anything else develops.”  By “getting to know a guy,” does she mean looking him up on IMDB?

Quote of the Week:

Jennifer Hudson on not thanking American Idol after winning her Oscar: “If I’d been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens, I wouldn’t be here either, so should I thank them too?”