SAY IT AIN’T SO, ROCK!
BAHAMA MAMA TO BE BURIED NEXT TO HER SON!
Following an exhausting week of Judge Judy on MSNBC, it was decided that Anna Nicole Smith will be buried in the Bahamas next to her son, and not in Texas next to George W. Bush. And all it took was three (or was it four?) days of ridiculous testimony in front of a camera-happy, melodramatic judge to hear a decision that could have been decided in three seconds by flipping a coin. Once it was all said and done, news stations from across the globe had absolutely no idea what to report…because they had absolutely no idea what had just happened, why it happened, and whether they were the only ones with the opinion that almost all of the testimony made had absolutely no place in a hearing on where to bury a body of a ditzy ecdysiast. Yet, MSNBC loved every minute of it. And so did you…don’t lie.
MOVIE STUDIO SUES BLOGGER OVER TOPLESS JENNFER ANISTON PHOTO!
It’s 2005 all over again, as yet another topless photo of Jennifer Aniston has surfaced…and yet another person is being sued for exposing (excuse the pun) the pic to the world. This time, it’s celebrity blogger Perez Hilton who has found himself in some hot water with Universal Pictures; apparently the photo (which was from The Break-Up, but left on the cutting room floor) was stolen, shoved into the hands of Perez Hilton, and broadcasted for all the world to see. Now Universal is coming down hard; demanding a jury trial, monetary damages and—what the hell?—maybe Perez can throw in some naked pictures of his overweight, ugly body while he’s at it. Perhaps with that kind of exposure, the man’s larger-than-life ego will break up with him.
SYLVESTOR STALLONE: ALL JUICED UP DOWN UNDER!
Is Sly Stallone on steroids? Or are we to assume it’s normal for someone 100 years-old to look that jacked? While in Australia for the premiere of Rocky Balboa, Stallone was stopped at the airport after the X-ray machine found some sort of human growth hormone in his luggage. And on his private jet. And in his hotel room. And, with back-to-back Rocky and Rambo films, do you really blame him? Heck, at his age, he should be commended for simply getting out of bed without breaking a leg, let alone stepping into the ring with a real-life boxer less than half his age. No word yet on whether the Champ will face any charges—and, if it doesn’t go Sly’s way, look for his next fight to be against a kangaroo behind bars.
AND THIS WEEK’S GOLDEN DONKEY GOES TO…
… Britney Spears. Yes, by the time you read this, Ms. Spears will have been in and out of rehab a total of 37 times. But it all makes sense, right? I mean, people go apartment hunting…perhaps Britney is rehab hunting. Either that, or she has as much patience as a dog waiting to be fed. And the sad part—she’s only 25. Can you imagine Britney ten years from now (if she survives that long)? By then, she’ll probably have her whole body shaved, piercings coming out of any and all holes, with a giant middle finger tattoo covering her bald head. And MSNBC will still follow her every move…with quick breaks to check on the local weather. Congrats Britney, you’re this week’s biggest ass.
THAT THING CALLED LOVE
Love, sex, marriage, divorce—and that’s just the first week of your average Hollywood romance. Here’s what’s swirling around the rumor mill this week…
Though she’s facing up to a year in jail on DUI charges, that’s not stopping Nicole Richie from house hunting with her new boo, Joel Madden. While they’ve only been dating for three months, it appears as though the two are looking to speed up the relationship process in the event Richie is forced to take a brief trip to the slammer. How do conjugal visits work for celebrities?
Bridget Moynahan recently killed two birds with one stone; the actress announced to the world (via Liz Smith’s Gossip Column in the New York Post) that she’s pregnant with former boyfriend—and football star — Tom Brady’s baby. At the same time, she subsequently ruined Brady’s romantic Paris vacation with new gal Giselle Bundchen — both of whom weren’t aware of Moynahan’s worldwide announcement until the very last minute. Looks as though this Patriot won’t be returning to Paris anytime soon…
Fed up with dating only one man at a time, Paris Hilton celebrated her 26th birthday in Las Vegas with two boyfriends, Stavros Niarchos and Brandon Davis, while out to dinner with her sister and Nicole Richie. Hilton reportedly kissed each man in between bites of sushi, letting us all know that this fish is neither dead nor raw. Following the meal, the three shared a room in Palms Hotel and Casino…and I imagine horny teenagers across the globe are secretly praying a video camera was present.
Quote of the Week:
Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-assistant on Howard K. Stern: “You never slept in the same bed with Anna! You crawled in there after she fell asleep. She never invited you to her bed! The burial plots were bought by you, you sicko. That is the only way you could think of to finally get to sleep next to her each night…”