BRITNEY SUCCEEDS AT GAINING MORE PRESS
BRITNEY HEADS TO REHAB, THEN SHAVES HER HEAD!
Does it ever end? Seriously, Britney, does it ever end? With Anna Nicole Smith squarely in the spotlight these past two weeks, Britney Spears is getting restless. The girl desperately needs more attention. And so, she briefly checked into rehab, then realized—holy cow—you can’t actually drink, have sex, and get wasted in rehab, no matter what Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie may have told her. So, 24 hours later, she checked herself out, promptly shaved her head, and got a tattoo. Is it possible that Spears is somehow channeling Anna Nicole? Or was Smith channeling Britney Spears? Either way, we all know where this girl is heading, should she stay the course…and it’s a pretty dark place—what with it being six feet under the ground and all. Where the hell are her parents?
WHO WANTS TO BE ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S BABY’S FATHER!
Screw all those other reality shows, I say Regis Philbin signs on to Who Wants to be Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby’s Father?. Heck, in a few days, Regis’ name will probably be added to the mix. So far, we have ex-lawyers, ex-bodyguards, ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, and a prince. All of whom have stepped up to claim that they might be Dannielynn’s father. Which is scarier?: the fact that Anna Nicole had sex with that many guys during a one month period, or that that many guys would have sex with Anna Nicole? Okay, it’s a trick question—the answer to both is: “Yuck!”
EMINEM TRASHED BY FORMER WIFE!
Though rapper Eminem is normally the one to lay the smackdown on folks such as his mother and his are-they-together-today ex-wife Kim Mathers, a mouthful of his own words were shoved down our throats by none other than his Ms. Kim herself. While visiting a Detroit radio show recently (where she apparently shared some of her own rapping “talent”), Kim used the opportunity to let us all know that Eminem is nothing in bed without his Viagra. Ouch. Oh, and she followed it up with: “I vomit in my mouth whenever I’m around him.” Viagra and vomit? Hmm, looks like she has the title of her first album…or tell-all memoir. Maybe she can get hints—either way—from K-Fed.
AND THIS WEEK’S GOLDEN DONKEY GOES TO…
… Nicole Richie. Apparently, life might not be so simple for Richie, as she was officially charged with a misdemeanor for driving the wrong way on a Los Angeles freeway recently and subsequently failing a sobriety test. The bad news for Richie is, if she’s convicted (and, c’mon — the girl was driving on the wrong side of the freeway), she will receive a mandatory 90 days in jail. Ha, from The Simple Life to Some Hard Time. Maybe she’ll get her own biopic, but for right now Nicole Richie will have to settle for this week’s biggest ass.
THAT THING CALLED LOVE
Love, sex, marriage, divorce—and that’s just the first week of your average Hollywood romance. Here’s what’s swirling around the rumor mill this week…
And the award for the oddest romance rumor of the week has to go to Cameron Diaz and Djimon Hounsou. Right? Weird? From Justin to Hounsou? Looks as though someone found his bloody diamond. According to reports, the unlikely pair went dancing in Hollywood at Hyde, got jiggy with some Michael Jackson tunes, and then got down with some “lip-on-lip action.” I guess we’ll now see if what they say is true—Carmen’s gone black…will she go back?
After swearing off marriage, radio shock jock Howard Stern finally proposed to his long-time girlfriend Beth Ostrosky just in time for Valentine’s Day. In typical Stern fashion, he made his girlfriend strip off all of her clothes before handing her a 5.2 carat diamond ring…that co-host Artie Lang quickly chopped up and snorted before anyone could notice.
Scarlett Johansson wants everyone to know she’s not dating Justin Timberlake. The pair, who were seen partying it up in Miami over Superbowl weekend, reportedly enjoyed a hot and heavy two-day tryst. However, Johansson notes, “I think when two people are single and are seen together, it’s immediately like a crazy feeding frenzy.” Yeah, that’s because when two people are single and seen together, it usually means they’re screwing together too. Sorry, Scarlett: match point.
Quote of the Week:
Country singer Kenny Chesney on those rumors that suggest his marriage to Renee Zellweger ended because he was gay: “It’s not true. Period. Maybe I should have come out and said, ‘No, I’m not [gay],’ but I didn’t want to draw any more attention to it. I didn’t have to prove to anybody that I wasn’t [gay].”