A LIFE PUSHED TO THE LIMIT
ANNA NICOLE SMITH DIES!
Call it accidental, call it coincidental…or call it another sly move by the Bush administration to get our minds off of Iraq, but the ever-lasting tragedy that was Anna Nicole Smith has officially come to an end after the supermodel-turned-occasional actress was found dead in her hotel room at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida. Fitting, seeing as she was always on the cusp of Hollywood, but never quite there. Thus begins the search for a cause of death which, as we all know, was probably due to an overdose of some kind of pain medication, but for now we’ll just say she died of a broken heart. At least that’s the angle Brian Grazer and Ron Howard will take with their eventual Anna Nicole Smith biopic. Seriously, they have signed on for a biopic, right?
BRITNEY SPEARS’ SEX ADDICTION IS TOXIC TO HER CAREER!
Say it ain’t so — Britney Spears, a sex addict? According to a friend of ex-hubby K-Fed, who goes by the delightful name of Omar “Iceman” Sharif, Spears used to throw some interesting sleepover parties at her mansion while the two were still together. And when I say “interesting,” I mean threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes—heck, the only thing missing was Tiger Woods and a hole-in-one. Sources claim K-Fed might use these supposed wild sex rumors in his custody case against Spears. Or should we call it his “How many lies will it take to become a multi-millionaire” case against Spears?
JESSICA SIMPSON WANTS TO ADOPT! BABIES EVERYWHERE DUCK FOR COVER!
Following in the footsteps of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, Jessica Simpson has decided she wants to try to save the world, and one way to go about it is by adopting children. The singer/actress recently shared the news that she’d like to have three kids, but probably doesn’t want to go through the trouble of, ya know, actually having them. Hey, that’s what Africa is for, right? Says Simpson, “Ever since I was a kid, I said I wanted to save the world somehow. I didn’t know how. I think I’ll end up doing things that can touch somebody in some way that’s good—like through orphanages.”
AND THIS WEEK’S GOLDEN DONKEY GOES TO…
…Daniel Baldwin for completely fucking up his family name. Poor Danny boy: the guy accidentally stole a car, was caught with drugs in his hotel room, and cannot, for the life of him, get brother Alec to bail him out. Now, a warrant for his arrest has been issued and the guy failed to show up for his court date—but it’s okay, he’s just filming a movie in Detroit. Hey, how many strikes do the Baldwin brothers get again? Because, I believe Danny struck out swinging 10 years ago and continues to show up at the plate. So, for dodging the law, dodging rehab, and somehow managing to stay alive longer than Anna Nicole, Daniel Baldwin is this week’s biggest ass.
THAT THING CALLED LOVE
Love, sex, marriage, divorce—and that’s just the first week of your average Hollywood romance. Here’s what’s swirling around the rumor mill this week…
Finally! Someone has gone and dumped Britney Spears! And, in almost the same way she dumped K-Fed — by shoving her to the side via a long distance phone call. That’s right: Spears is officially single again after she and rebound boyfriend Isaac Cohen called it quits, though reports claim he was the one to break the news to her. Yes, what goes around comes around…and Spears has definitely been around on more than a few occasions.
And talk about folks who are currently making the rounds, Justin Timberlake, hot off his, well, hot weekend with Jessica Biel at Sundance, supposedly spent another hot weekend with Scarlett Johansson in Miami during the Superbowl. Hmm, do we detect a pattern here? Diaz is blonde, Biel is brunette, Johansson is blonde? So, if that pattern is correct, Timberlake will spend next weekend with…a brunette? Is Carmen Electra still available…or does it really matter?
Is Ryan Phillippe a crib robber? Rumors suggest the 32-year-old actor is currently shacking up with 18-year-old actress Nikki Reed after the two were spotted leaving an LA club together recently. Reed, who co-wrote and starred in the movie Thirteen (co-starring Evan “I Love Marily Manson” Rachel Wood), is known for her rebellious ways. Honey, I hate to break it to you, but shacking up with a guy who has two kids and was married to Reese Witherspoon isn’t exactly the badass thing to do nowadays.
Quote of the Week:
Anna Nicole Smith’s mother on her daughter’s death: “I think she had too many drugs, just like Danny. I tried to warn her about drugs and the people she hung around with. She didn’t listen. She was too drugged-up.”
We say: “Gee, ya think?”