ROSIE'S MAJOR MALFUNCTION
Angelina Jolie: Sexy, Smart, and Definitely Not A Homewrecker!
Angelina Jolie wants everyone in the world to know that she didn’t intentionally break up Brat Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Instead, things “just happened.” In a recent interview, the actress claims, “I think we were both the last two people who were looking for a relationship.” Unfortunately for Aniston, Pitt and Jolie were the first two people looking to have sex (with one another) after things indeed “just happened” on the set of Mr.& Mrs. Smith. Aniston had nothing to say regarding Jolie’s comments, however the numerous holes poked through the eyes, mouth, and throat of the Tomb Raider poster hanging in her living room says enough. We think.
K-Fed Learns to Write and Threatens Britney!
Since (wouldn’t you?) K-Fed wants to collect as much money as he can from his soon-to-be ex-wife Britney Spears, aside from filing for custody of their two children, as well as demanding at least $20 million in the divorce settlement, he now threatens to write a tell-all book that could potentially ruin Britney’s image forever—such a shame, as the girl still hasn’t posed for Playboy as we all knew should would (when does that issue come out?)! If Fed’s book were ever to be written (assuming he knows how to type a coherent sentence or at least look up “ghost writer” in the Yellow Pages), the tome could include details that range from Britney’s alleged drug and alcohol abuse to her belief in time-travel.
Breaking News: Rosie O’Donnell’s Comments Offend Someone!
In this case, it was more than someone, it was an entire community—the Chinese community to be exact. Folks are all up in arms after Rosie O’Donnell used the words “ching chong” to describe the Chinese language during an episode of The View. In response, O’Donnell issued what was perhaps the lamest apology in history, saying: "I'm sorry for those people who felt hurt or were teased on the playground. But I'm also gonna give you a fair warning that there's a good chance I'll do something like that again, probably in the next week, not on purpose. Only ‘cause it's how my brain works." While she’s at it, perhaps O’Donnell could apologize to me for consistently hurting my brain.
And This Week’s Golden Donkey Goes To…
…Nicole Richie. Seriously, how could we not give the award to this girl—she practically begged for it. Richie was arrested for driving the wrong way on the 134 in Burbank. Oh, but she was also all hopped-up on Vicodin and Marijuana (because of “bad cramps” she was having), which she immediately admitted to the arresting officers. While driving through the Valley high as a kite is nothing new for a B-list celebrity such as Richie, driving in the opposite direction towards oncoming traffic (and only weighing 85 pounds) had to have set some sort of wacky Los Angeles record. One I’m sure Paris Hilton would rather have her name attached to, if she’s ever sober long enough to spell it correctly. So, for constantly denying you have unhealthy addictions, while continuing to do stupid things, Nicole Richie is this week’s biggest ass. (Are we sure she isn’t Danny Bonaduce’s illegitimate daughter?) It’s a good thing Richie didn’t kill anyone, or that totally would’ve ruined her next week, too.
That Thing Called Love
Love, sex, marriage, divorce—and that’s just the first week of your average Hollywood romance. Here’s what’s swirling around the rumor mill this week…
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have apparently ended their brief relationship after Spears’ “people” insisted that if she ever wants to stage a successful comeback, she must stay far, far away from Hilton. Isn’t it cute that her “people” are, like, her parents—only they’re in it for the money, and don’t actually care about Spears’ well-being. Wait, or is it the other way around?
After dating for two years, Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell have finally decided to get married…at a brothel (that’s a “whorehouse,” for those talent agency assistants out there having this read to them right now). Seriously. The couple will hold an intimate wedding ceremony at their Wagon Wheel Ranch, a former brothel-turned-home for the two Hollywood stars. O’Connell wanted this to be a big deal, seeing as it’s his first marriage, however Romijn convinced him to keep it low key and will allow her hubby to throw a big bash a few weeks after the wedding.
Hey ladies, guess who’s single again? No, not me—Tom Brady, quarterback for the New England Patriots. Brady and girlfriend Bridget Moynahan recently broke it off after dating for three years. Apparently, he finally came to the realization that he used to be one of the sexiest men on the planet and, well, failed to really use that to pick up chicks.
Quote of the Week:
Paris Hilton on Britney Spears’ parenting skills: "For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her. She goes home every night to her babies, and partying has not come in the way of her parenting.”